Fic: Hours

[derridian]

Second (and last?) Stargate fic.


Title: Hours
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Length: 2,375 words
Set: during CoTG
Notes: Daniel, 1st person
Beta: gaidheil1974 for military beta

 

They made me change out of my robes. They’ve given me this green military jumpsuit-thing, boxers, a T-shirt and boots. It all feels uncomfortable and ill-fitting, chafing my skin in unexpected places. I keep shrugging my shoulders in an effort to make the outfit sit better, settle into place, but it’s as out of place on me as I am to be back on Earth. And don’t even get me started on the boots.

I hope they give me my robes back. They were taken away while I was being given my medical and the army clothes were left in their place. I fiddle with one of the sleeves, absently trying to stretch it a little while I look round the infirmary at the cold concrete walls. The place has an unused look to it, as if it was frozen in the act of being dismantled. It all looks so surreal and already I’m missing the harsh desert sun. Everyone here looks pale and sickly in the artificial light and I have a hard time believing they’re real. They feel like ghosts to me.

I don’t know what I should be doing. I was left here with orders to get dressed and stay put, but no-one’s been back to check on me or tell me what to do in what seems like a long time. I can’t tell how long because I can’t see a clock anywhere and I can’t see the sun. Time moves differently here anyway. I don’t want to sit here forever, forgotten like the nuisance I know everyone thinks I am. Sha’re is out there somewhere, suffering through god knows what. All of a sudden my heart starts racing as I feel the panic taking hold of me. I grasp the edges of the bed until my hands hurt and try to slow my breathing and heart-rate. I need to be strong. I’m no good to Sha’re if I start falling apart.

When I’m calm again I slide off the bed and go in search of answers. The boots make my feet feel large and clumsy. I wander round the halls only vaguely remembering the general layout from when I was here before. I’m moving more by instinct than memory through halls that seem deserted. I wonder where everyone went.

Finally I’m sure of where I am and make my way to the briefing room, hoping there’ll be someone there who can tell me what’s going on. It’s empty but I can hear voices coming from behind the closed door of the general’s office. I can wait I guess. This general really doesn’t like me and I’m not sure what I can do to make him see that we need to go back out there and look for Sha’re and Skaara.

I spy the carafe of coffee on its warming plate in the corner of the room and help myself to a cup. It’s been over a year since I last had coffee. It has a slightly burnt taste even though it’s only lukewarm. It feels like heaven. I pause, suddenly feeling guilty for enjoying something.

The general’s door opens and a man I don’t know exits, barely glancing at me as he traverses the briefing room. I watch him as he disappears down the stairs before gathering up my courage and moving to the open door. The general is on the phone and glances briefly as I hover there. He frowns and holds a hand up to stop me from entering. I sip my coffee awkwardly and try to rehearse what I want to say. After a few minutes he puts the phone down and looks up at me.

“Dr. Jackson?” The tone of voice isn’t friendly.

I shuffle a few steps into the room, clutching my mug of coffee like a talisman.

“Look, General, I know you don’t think it’s my place to say this, but we need to go back through that gate. Whoever it was that came to Abydos and took my wife, who came here, they’re not just going to leave us alone. If he’s anything like Ra –“

“Dr. Jackson,” the general interrupts me. He looks at me coldly but I don’t care. I need to make him understand how important this is. As I open my mouth to continue he speaks again.

“It’s late. We wont be doing anything more until after the briefing in the morning. Get some rest.” This last bit is said almost kindly but it doesn’t penetrate.

“Can I be there?” I ask quickly. “At the briefing?”

The general sighs and, after a moment’s consideration, nods. “Alright. As an observer,” he says sternly. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have more work to do.”

“Um, sorry, but what do I do now?” I interject quickly.

The general stares at me for a moment. “Not to put too fine a point on it young man but I don’t know what we’re going to do with you. As far as we’re concerned you’re both dead and a civilian.” The general waits as if there were some answer I could make to that but there is nothing to say. I don’t want to be here any more than he wants me here. The general shakes his head and, looking slightly bemused, picks up the phone and asks for the master sergeant. I just stand there and fiddle nervously with my mug, not knowing what to do with myself. “We’ll sort out somewhere for you to sleep for now,” the general says, interrupting my thoughts. “Is that all?”

“Um, my robes?” I ask, knowing the ice I’m on is getting thinner with every word.

The general’s eyebrows shoot up. The look of disbelief might have been funny under other circumstances.

“The clothing I was wearing when I came here. It was taken away and I’d like it back. If that’s not too much trouble,” I add hurriedly.

“I suggest you check with the laundry,” the general says after a moment. “You can ask the master sergeant to take you there once he’s got you situated.”

Someone I assume to be the master sergeant enters the room and salutes sharply. “General,” he says formally, his voice a much deeper pitch that I would have guessed coming from a small man.

“Master Sergeant, this is Dr. Jackson. He’ll be staying with us for a few days. Please sort out an account for him at the commissary and assign him a bunk for the night.” The general seems to be relieved at being able to pass me off to someone else.

“Yes Sir,” the master sergeant replies before turning to me. “Dr. Jackson?”

“Yes?”

“If you’d follow me Sir,” and with that he’s off and I hurry after him, plonking my now empty mug on the briefing table as we pass, not knowing what else to do with it.

The master sergeant doesn’t attempt to make conversation with me for which I’m glad. I’m not up for small talk and I just want to get this over with so I can be alone. We reach the commissary which I remember from the last time I was here, and I stand silently by while the master sergeant talks to the man in charge. Something is written in a book and I’m given a yellow card and told to present it when I come here to eat. Then we’re off again. We reach another corridor that looks vaguely familiar and I’m show into a room full of empty bunks.

“Any bunk you like Sir,” the master sergeant says, gesturing around.

“Thank you,” I reply, thinking I’ll probably just take the one closest to the door. It will be strange sleeping in a room with so many beds and no people. There is no sign that this room is currently being used.

“Anything else I can do for you?” the master sergeant asks.

“Um, yes actually. The general said you could show me to the laundry?”

“Sir?”

“The clothes I had when I came though the gate. He said the laundry probably has them.”

“Of course, Sir,” and with that we’re off again, barely giving me time to memorize the number on the door so I can find it again.

The laundry is five levels up and while we’re in the elevator I have a moment to catch my breath. The frustration of not being able to do anything useful is starting to wear me down. I don’t know how I’ll stand waiting until the morning. I doubt I’ll be able to sleep. I’ve become used to the longer days on Abydos and though my emotions are drained I know my body can go a lot longer without sleep. I’m not that kind of tired.

When we reach the laundry the master sergeant makes sure I’ve got the right person to talk to and takes his leave. It turns out my robes have only just been put into the machine and it will be a couple of hours before I can pick them up. I wish we’d got here earlier so I could have saved them from being washed at all. It would have been a comfort to have something that smelled of the smoke and spice of home, smells that would make me feel closer to Sha’re. I hide my disappointment and make my way slowly back down the corridor.

Once in the elevator I hesitate. The thought of food makes me feel sick and I know I’m not ready to sleep. On impulse I hit the button for level 28 and head to the embarkation room.

The gate is just sitting there, quiescent. After all this time I still find it awe-inspiring. Magical almost, though I know in theory how it works. And the idea of all the possible worlds out there thrills me, tempered by the knowledge of the evil that is also out there. And Sha’re. I lean against the concrete wall, hoping to be unobtrusive, and stare at it. The gate seems to loom at me, taunting me. Just on the other side is home, the life I’d never imagined I’d have.

How could I have been so stupid? I’d thought Ra was dead and that the Earth gate would never be used again when I unburied the gate on Abydos, but still. I’ve lost my wife, my family, my entire world. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back. And I can’t even let myself think of what’s happening to Sha’re. I’m terrified that she’s dead or worse. I don’t want to think of her in a dungeon somewhere, not knowing what’s going to happen. My only solace is that Skaara is with her. I stare at the gate as if I should be able to see through it, see what’s happening to her.

“Hey,” a voice says softly beside me. I glance at Jack briefly.

“They don’t know what to do with me, and I don’t know what to do with myself.” I don’t mean to sound so lost but I’m tired and scared. And I am lost. Earth is nowhere near home to me. Not anymore.

“C’mon,” Jack says. “Let’s get out of here.” He taps me lightly on the shoulder before turning and heading up the corridor. After a brief hesitation I follow him.

We don’t speak as we make our way out of the mountain. I barely remember coming down the elevators over a year ago. I stare at the numbers decreasing and marvel at how far underground we really are. It’s all a bit surreal. Half-way up we have to change elevators and go through a check-point. Jack chats amiably with the guard and signs things – I guess to assume responsibility for me. Though if I’m dead I’m not sure how that works. In the second elevator I become aware of him watching me covertly.

“Alright?” he asks when I make eye contact.

“Yeah. Thanks,” I reply. We both know I’m not alright but I’m not going to fall apart which I guess is what he’s asking.

We finally emerge into the carpark. The sun is setting. It’s beautiful but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Until we came out into the fresh air I didn’t really believe in the fact that I was back on Earth. It smells different, yet familiar. All of a sudden I’m reminded of so much of my life from before. I used to get nostalgic for Earth sometimes on Abydos. I don’t know what to do with my feelings and memories now though.

I still feel clumsy in the clothes I’ve been given. It gets even worse when I struggle into Jack’s truck but I finally manage to get myself settled. I’m glad Jack’s not making small talk. I’m feeling disoriented and a little dissociated, even more so as we pull out of the carpark and head down the mountain. I just want to stare out the window and try to convince myself that the scenery is real. Jack puts some music on, opera I think, and a comfortable silence reigns between us. I’m bemused as the mountain scenery gives way to houses and lights and then we’re in a quiet suburban street.

“Welcome to my humble abode,” Jack says quietly as he pulls into the driveway. I look around, interested in my surroundings for the first time. As I follow him up to the front door I think that the house looks exactly like somewhere Jack would live. It has a kind of log cabin feel. Woodsy almost. I don’t know why, but I’ve always thought Jack would be the outdoor type. Someone who would go camping and fishing.

We eat some leftover stew Jack had in the freezer, not that I feel much like eating but I force some down anyway to be polite. He leaves the dishes in the sink and hands me a beer. I don’t like the stuff but I’m hoping it will help me sleep so I sip at it gingerly. We talk about Abydos and I’m almost enjoying myself until I talk about Sha’re and my heart catches. We talk about Jack’s wife leaving him and about Charlie. My heart goes out to him. On Abydos the first time I felt compassion for him because of Charlie’s death but my focus was on saving the Abydonians, stopping Jack from blowing us all up. He seems softer now, less destructive, sadder somehow. I wish there was something I could do to help him.

After two beers I’m feeling dizzy and a little sick. Jack shows me to the spare room and I crawl under the covers. I leave the door open so light from the hall spills through, making a square on the carpet at the end of the bed. I hug the spare pillow to my front, unused to being alone in bed anymore. It’s no substitute for Sha’re but it’s all I’ve got. I can hear Jack moving about the house and I find it comforting. It’s not the same as the night noises on Abydos, feeling safe and warm and loved, tucked in behind Sha’re, the steady rise and fall of her chest bringing me peace, but at least I feel less alone.

A shadow moves across the light from the hall and Jack appears at the door. He stands there for a moment, trying to ascertain if I’m still awake I guess. I move about in the bed and prop my head up on my hand and he takes it as a cue to come in and perch on the side of the bed.

“O.K.?” he asks quietly.

“Yeah,” I lie. “Thanks Jack.”

He places a hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eye. “We’ll find them Daniel. I promise you.” He squeezes my shoulder gently and in this instant I believe him implicitly. We’ll find them because Jack says so. It gives me a sense of security and hope.

“Get some sleep,” he says gently.

“O.K.” I reply. With a final pat he heads back out into the hall, turning off the light as he goes, plunging me into an unfamiliar darkness. I think I’m going to be restless and unable to settle in the strange surroundings but I hold fast to Jack’s words and before I know it I’m drifting off.

We’ll find them.

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

Thanks for the pointer to this -- it was great to read it again. Poor Daniel!

[derridian]

Hey Princess, very late reply due to I no longer use the email account the notifications were going to and because I'm not very active online I never got around to changing it. So, that's fixed and now I'll know when people comment. I stumbled across the fact you linked my fic in jdjunkie's rewatch thingy which was lovely of you. Cheers. (I got a lovely comment from paian whose fic I adored back in my hardcore fannish days.)

[princessofgeeks]

You are so welcome! It's a lovely story.

Wishing you all the best.

[paian]

Here via princessofgeeks's rec. This is lovely. <3

I especially like

The place has an unused look to it, as if it was frozen in the act of being dismantled. It all looks so surreal and already I’m missing the harsh desert sun. Everyone here looks pale and sickly in the artificial light and I have a hard time believing they’re real. They feel like ghosts to me.

and

It would have been a comfort to have something that smelled of the smoke and spice of home, smells that would make me feel closer to Sha’re,

and all of the descriptions of sensations, how dislocating this all feels to Daniel, how striking it is that a year ago he went down and elevator in a mountain, and after all that happened in between, now he's going back up. And how weird it would be to drive in a car through suburban streets. The conflicting cues that say 'home' when home means different things now. And the play of light and shadow in the last section, which goes so nicely with Daniel's perspective on the stargate -- the idea of all the possible worlds out there thrills me, tempered by the knowledge of the evil that is also out there.

Enjoyed very much, thank you.

[derridian]

Sorry for the late reply. Thanks for your thoughtful response, I'm glad you enjoyed the story. When i wrote it I really enjoyed playing with the contrasts of transitioning from somewhere hot with open spaces and light clothing and smoky/spicey smells to underground concrete and heavy boots and then going back out into the world he was so familiar with but would now seem so alien until he readjusted.